Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
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bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Just a friendly reminder!
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME