me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
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Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
realest tweet ever.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
