me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
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😭😭
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
British people
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.