me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
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WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Yes 😂
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
😅🤣😂
