me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
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Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you