Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
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MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]