Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
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I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
How to make infinite energy.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this