Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.