Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…