Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Classic German Shepherd 😂

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

@ candidates for local office

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

The cake is mightier than the sword.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.