Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands