Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit