me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
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No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…