Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”