Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

Nice try Hitler

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.