Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

Nothing to do, you say?

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.