Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

scenes of unspeakable carnage

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband: