Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.