Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

who wore it better?

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote