Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

catch me on valentine’s day like

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?