Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
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me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker