Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.![]()
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My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers![]()
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport