Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia