Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

#Caturday

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest