Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another