Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

At ease

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.