Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.