Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

🤣✨#caturday

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.