Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
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we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child