Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

I’m just playing devils avocado here

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog