Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
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Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Its a hippotatomus
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.