Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
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My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Cheers Twitter.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Yup.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
Happy Caturday!
