Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.