Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
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3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that