Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
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Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??