Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
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Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
