Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.