Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?