Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

As per my last nervous breakdown

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time