Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

hi why am I like this

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok