Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
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[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I hope Alan is OK
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.