me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
You Might Also Like
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.