ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
You Might Also Like
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
english majors be like furthermore
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor