Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”