ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
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we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Worst bar ever.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.