ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
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[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro