Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

The French word for sex is croissant.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns