Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.