Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
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We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.