Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
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Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
This makes total sense…
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?