Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

dude it’s called proctologist

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”