Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?

A spook-easy.

#dadjokes

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.