Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
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Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
No, I don’t think I will.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale