ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
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me before I type out affect or effect
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
necessity is the mother of invention
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Rude much 😂😂😂
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
SQUARREL
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”