Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

Fidel Castro was alive?

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.