Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
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You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Bond. Trauma bond.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot