Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.