Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice