Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
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Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice