Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
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My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.