Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.