Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*