ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?