Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
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I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Catercrombie & Fish
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*