Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT