Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
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sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
how DARE
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.