ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
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Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods