Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
You Might Also Like
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do