Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
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Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
one week till the election
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please