Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

True?

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

This one’s “Alex”.

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

Always the vampires

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?