Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

could’ve been anyone

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.