Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”