Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
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Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.